There is no mind more mysterious than that of a high school boy. As a high school girl, I could be biased in saying this, but I believe other high school girls would back me up, and that is all the validation I require. I have done some research into the boy’s brain in high school through observing them in the hallway, and in doing this, I have noticed the many strange things that they do. I have witnessed them standing in cult-like circles, nodding to each other all the way across the commons, and shouting indecipherable sentences ending in ‘bruh’. By far the strangest thing that I have seen, though, is their unyielding belief that their facial hair looks good. I observed an astounding example of this in the commons, upon noticing what looked to be a junior, gesturing wildly to his friends. Holding his chin up to the light, he flaunted what looked like peach fuzz, scattered around his mouth in a disorganized manner. I was wondering how many peaches he must have eaten when he said, “yeah! My dad and I are matching”. I held back laughter, eyeing his friends and waiting for their expressions to match mine. Incredibly, they appeared jealous instead. And they are not alone. Boys all over the school seem to think that their faces look best when laden with something that resembles the clumpy mess of hair clippings on the floor of a barbershop. 

At first, I am forced to assume that these boys are simply dimwitted. Yet, my theory has been debunked, as some of them have extremely high GPAs. Instead, I have decided that they have been conditioned from birth by the other males around them that as long as they have facial hair, they will look good. Unfortunately for these boys, I am here to shatter their delusional dreams. 

A walk around the high school will reveal that most of the boys show signs of sensibility, as they don’t have facial hair. Yet, the ones that do have it ruin this image of male common sense. The prickly-faced fools make the amount of boys with facial hair in the school seem much larger than it really is, simply because their facial hair looks outrageously bad in nearly all cases. In order to neutralize this bias, I ran a survey on Instagram, the best place to access the true hearts of my peers. Out of the 173 people who responded to the survey, 17 said that boys look good with facial hair in high school, and 156 said that they do not. The numbers are a relief and a reminder to me that most of my peers have some inkling of common sense. Yet, facial hair is still a frequent discussion as it sticks out like a very hairy sore thumb, making it seem much more present than it truly is. 

The most intriguing aspect of the survey to me was the fact that 8 of the 17 people to approve of facial hair were girls. This threw me for quite the loop, as I confidently expected all of the supporters to be male. A couple of the girl respondents explained their thoughts to me. One of them stated, “It depends on the guy; I think it’s just a preference for girls”. 

This comment of preference is reflected in the message of another girl who said, “Honestly I HATED facial hair with a passion and refused to date anyone with facial hair for the longest time, until I found my boyfriend. He grows his beard so fast he’s like a 30-year-old man. I wasn’t crazy about his facial hair, but now I hate it when he shaves. I really think it depends on the person and whether or not the facial hair fits that face type…”

 A third girl simply stated, “A good full mustache will win my heart, no ifs, ands, or buts.”

After reading these explanations, I have realized that the yes-voting girls do not derail my argument at all, as it turns out that they seem to have discovered the rare high school male that can fully grow facial hair. Highschool boys, no matter how much they would like to, usually have not fully developed the ability to grow facial hair. This is not a matter of opinion, but a fact. As mentioned by the Cleveland Clinic, most men’s facial hair increases in thickness between the ages of 18 and 30. This means that the facial hair of the majority of underclassmen and juniors has not even started thickening, and that that of most seniors have quite a long way to go. Furthermore, the rare boy in highschool that can fully grow facial hair runs a new risk of looking like a bizarre substitute teacher trying to fit in with the students. So, I would like to give my congratulations to my facial-hair-preferring girls that have found a man that can truly grow it in highschool and look good. Even if I do not agree with your inclination, I respect your searching abilities. 

By this point in the article, many of you boys with facial hair are probably reassuring yourselves by thinking that you are one of the special ones who are capable of fully growing it. You probably aren’t. Most likely, you are in denial. And if you are willing to be logical with yourself and admit that you aren’t able yet, then there is no reason for you to grow facial hair. Your time to shine is not now.

A few of the boys in support of having facial hair in high school defended their choice in saying they were growing it because they wanted to prove to themselves that they could. If these boys were to wait a while, they would have no need to prove their abilities. Growing facial hair would be easy, and it wouldn’t look patchy and thin as it does now. Currently, these boys look like they are wearing the ghost of facial hair that has long ago died. It doesn’t make them look older, only slightly delusional. Not to mention, if they waited until they were truly capable of growing full facial hair, they would avoid, as was stated by one non-supporter of facial hair, “the pedo mustache.” This term is referring to a highly wispy mustache that gives off a creepy vibe. Nearly all highschool boys with a mustache have this one, and it absolutely does not look good. Unless, of course, they are aiming to look like a stalker in a horror movie. 

If you are a highschool boy with facial hair and I have offended you, or made you feel defensive, I will not be apologizing. Someone had to tell you. Instead of feeling angry at me, take some time to self-reflect and ask yourself if you truly look good, or if you would be better off waiting to rock the facial hair at a more appropriate time in your life. I truly hope, for my sake and for yours, that you choose the latter. Happy shaving.